Monthly Archives: March 2014
Ok, Im plagiarizing this list from paidtoexist.com… but I can’t afford to forget these… here is the list:
1.Often those who aren’t the easiest to love are the ones who need it the most.
2.Seeing children play can make even the bluest day brighter.
3.Money is not the root of all evil, fear is.
4.The secret to happiness is the acceptance of yourself.
5.Happiness is not based on external status, it is an internal state.
I have been feeling so guilty lately about this… Andy and I will have been together for 10 years this year and for at least the last 6 years he’s been asking for a baby… I figured we still had time, we could do this on our thirties and it would give us time to save money for a house, start a business so I could work from home and I could also finish school… 2014 rolls around, I’m 31 and Andy is 36, we’ve been trying to conceive for over a year with no success and not a lot of positive prognosis from the Reproductive Endocrinologist, I can’t help but feel guilty about it.
I grew up listening to my mom say how easy it was for her to get pregnant that I never even bothered to understand how the whole cycle worked. I just knew that if I got my periods I was ovulating and if it was easy for my mom, it would be easy for me too. Boy, was I wrong
This has been the most difficult year of my life by far! My parents moved from Texas to Hawaii and moved in with my husband and I because we were opening a food truck business together. They also knew we were trying to conceive so we were ecstatic to have them around our “soon to be family”. This was supposed to make things easier but instead it complicated them even more. As the food truck didn’t get ready in time and both my husband and I work regular jobs full time, having only nights and weekends to build the truck, my parents grew tense about finances. Because we had promised them that it would be ready by the time they arrive we had to afford all the bills by ourselves and on top of our regular expenses, plus the additional fertility expenses, we also had to support them. As time went on, my husband started growing tired of this situation and things started getting a little tenses at home. I confess it wasn’t easy for me either as I’m not used to living with my parents anymore and my husband and I were just coming out of a relationship crisis so we really needed the bonding time but could never get it because we were never alone. That would drive me to stay in our room a lot, so we could be alone, but this was very difficult for my parents to understand and they felt rejected by me.
You see, in Brazil there is no privacy lines that must not be crossed or even personal space! My parents moved in with the Brazilian mentality of family while I had been living the “American way” for the past 10 years. It was a difficult transition for everyone.
In addition we were also looking for a house to buy and we only qualified as long as we were both employed and in stable positions.. I could feel that dream slipping away by the minute as my husband never lasts too long in any single job. He prefers to be self employed but that’s not only not stable he would have to make good money every single month for at least 2 years in order to qualify for a loan as a self-employed person. In addition (yes, its not over yet), I was staking all these hormones to help with the fertility issue that my emotions were all over the place. One day I would cry and be depressed, the next I want to kill my husband because he didn’t do the dishes. One more thing, I hate my job but needed to keep it if we were to buy a house. The environment is very tense and the corporate culture is awful. In the past year 39 people have quit and for a company that employs an average of 200, 39 is a LOT! As of today, I’m still stuck here…The combination of all these things have made my life miserable this past year…
Which brings me back to my infertility… I’m sure that all the stress I’m under doesn’t help, but could it be the culprit of my infertility?
Maybe if we had started sooner it wouldn’t be so hard… I’ll never know. My husband feels like he’s getting too old to be a dad because he’ll be turning 37 this year.,.. which means that best case scenario he’ll have a 10 year old when he’s 47… How did all this time pass and I didn’t notice?
I really hope we can get pregnant soon… We need our family to e complete.
My boss will now become the VP of Operations and the owners’ wife will become my new boss, at least temporarily… That can be good… that can be bad… she’s very demanding and unforgiving of ANY mistakes. Im officially nervous!
Due to the new situation I had to let her know that every month I have a series of endless doctor visits to fulfill where they monitor every single growth and progress my ovaries make and that I would possibly be doing insemination soon, depending on how things would progress this month…
Today i took a HPT and it was negative… I think I’m so used to getting negative results that this one didn’t even affect me… like at all! I’m kinda surprised at my lack of reaction.. normally i don’t even test because it builds some expectation even when i know it will be negative, but this time nada!
This month I’ll be moving on to Gonal-F injections with an Ovidrel trigger shot, really expensive but hoping that it will make the difference that we needed… if I have 2+ follies we are doing IUI for sure! I thin about having twins all the time! That’s the only way my heart would really rest in peace… I think even if I do get pregnant with a singleton I would still have this uneasy feeling that my dream of having 4 kids wont become reality… at least if I get 2 at once, then I only need to get 2 more in the next 3-4 years and I could actually do this!
If it doesn’t work out, we’ll be doing IVF… this decision feels good but makes me very uneasy… It offers the highest chances of pregnancy but if it doesn’t work I’ll be devastated because we will have exhausted all options at that point…
Anyways, Im in for a long ride… on top of my 45 hour work week and the food truck I run on the side, I’ll have to make up for lost time at work which means I’ll be at the office from 7:30 – at least 7pm every night to cover for my doctor visits… ai ai ai… I hope I survive this.
Today is a sad day for me… I have finally come to the conclusion that things will never change in this relationship and that i may have to just give up. Im becoming someone I dont want to be simply because Andy falls short on a few things, things that are so simple it makes me feel like he just doesnt care about this relationship anyways. I used to think he had a hard time complying to things that were only important to me, but I see that he doesnt come through on things that are important to him too.
It feels like our destine is sealed… whether we separate now or later, its only a matter of time because the only thing I know for sure is that I do not want to live my whole life like this. I resent him for this. I resent him for what he puts me through. I resent him for not being accountable for his actions. I resent him for ruining a relationship that could have been perfect.
Im turning 32 this year and I know that if we separate now this may mean I will never have kids of my own… Im not sure I can give up on that. The alternative also sucks…. staying married to have kids, knowing that I wont be able to offer them the life they were intended to have, with a loving united family. I know that separated parents are the norm nowadays but I felt so lucky to have that growing up… and there’s nothing that I value more than history, than staying together through ups and downs of life… I wish this was just a down moment… thats what Ive been telling myself for the past 5 years….’he’s gonna come around’…
There is absolutely nothing that he needs to take care of, the only thing is take the supplements to increase sperm production everyday, take care of himself (brush hair, wear invisalign, apply sunblock, dress decent) and at least every once in a while take care of this relationship, by being romantic, or doing something special… none of those things seem to happen…. I have to do fertility treatments, take several pills, do self massage and heating pads, go tothe doctr several times a month, in addition I pay all the bills, register the cars, set up insurance, walk Zoe daily, bathe her and take her to the vet, do all the shopping, 100% of the cooking, do the taxes, filling of documents, … the list an go on and on… he may actually feel appreciative of all that I do…. I just wish I could feel the same way.
When I first met Andy, one of the things that attracted me to him so much was how free he was. he not only didn’t have people telling him what to do or what they expect of him all the time, but he also had this free spirit, that could drop everything and go anywhere anytime…
9 years later, I finally came to the conclusion that more than anyone else — at least more than me– he is resistant to change. That also made me think if his ability to just up and go is a just his means of running away from reality…
Since I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him freely smile. Don’t get me wrong he enjoys life and he is a happy person, but his front teeth are not where they were supposed to be. So we talked and he started an orthodontic treatment, the most expensive one he could find (O_o), which was also very discreet and pretty much imperceptible. Anyways, about 6 months into the treatment he tells me he wants to stop because he is afraid of what it will look like. That sounded so odd to me and it got me thinking…
The latest one that upsets me the most is our infertility problem. We both have pills to take and things to do in order for us to conceive and I’m so admin about it but I end up feeling like he wastes all my efforts since he doesn’t do his share. And his share is so simple… all he needs to do is take his supplements every day. I always try to first talk nicely and tell him how his behavior makes me feel and he promises me he’ll do better. Time goes on and I notice no change so I start getting upset and he starts getting defensive and doesn’t even own up to his own (lack of) actions. The pills I take are no joke, they increases my risks of ovarian and breast cancer by a lot so I can’t take them for very long..
I’m not really sure how to address this with him, it seems that any approach I take is the incorrect one, either because he gets upset, or because I see no results. He seems to only respond to pressure — he is a big time procrastinator. It’s ridiculous but what I started doing was not letting him sleep. I’ll turn the lights on, open the windows and poke him through all his bitching until he finally takes the pills… I hate this, I hate being this person… but I feel forced to be like that and I resent him not only for not doing his share but for also making me this way..
Being a woman is difficult… how can I help my man be in charge? I need help!
With all this baby making stress, food truck that doesn’t seem to open for business, knee surgery, trying to buy a house for several months, couple’s therapy session, and my parents living with us, life has turned upside down and I gained 20 lbs to bring me down even more. We have no time for each other and with all the stress in our lives at the moment, when we do have time we end up not always being on our best behavior…
We started trying to conceive right about the time when I hurt my knee at the gym and with all the stress in my life throughout the year I found no time to take care of myself. I’ve suffered from anxiety a this year as well because I just can’t handle everything on my own. My husband is an amazing person but he’s too laid back and stress free, doesn’t have the same sense of urgency that I do for example. And my parents move in with me so that they could work on our food truck and they’ve been here for 6 months and we haven’t been able to finish building and permitting the truck for them to work.. You can imagine their stress level! And I feel the heavy weight of my parents’ livelihoods in my hands, the disappointment of never getting pregnant month after month, the knee that doesn’t seem to heal at all (Im still in pain and its been 3 months already)…
No all is lost though. Andy and I have been great for one another lately, supportive, understanding, and really enjoying each other’s company. We’re thinking of spending the weekend on a nice hotel so we can try to make a baby in peace and hopefully have some romantic uninterrupted time with each other. Nowadays I go to therapy by myself.. really enjoy it. Therapists have great BS meters and mine helps me analyze and understand myself better.
Anyways, in order for me to be the best mom I can be, I need to relax, be mindful of my actions, embrace vulnerability, and take better care of myself. So today I am starting on my “workout life rehab spa program”!
Looking pretty plan: going to the gym, getting regular haircuts, doing hair masks, and taking better care of my skin. I already eat a wholefoods diet but I can cut back on a few things and eat smaller portions instead of letting anxiety get the best of me. I needed to put this on paper so I can’t pretend like this moment never happened, so I’m sorry for the boring text! HAHAHA
Ill post before and after pics as soon as I can!