Today is a sad day for me… I have finally come to the conclusion that things will never change in this relationship and that i may have to just give up. Im becoming someone I dont want to be simply because Andy falls short on a few things, things that are so simple it makes me feel like he just doesnt care about this relationship anyways. I used to think he had a hard time complying to things that were only important to me, but I see that he doesnt come through on things that are important to him too.
It feels like our destine is sealed… whether we separate now or later, its only a matter of time because the only thing I know for sure is that I do not want to live my whole life like this. I resent him for this. I resent him for what he puts me through. I resent him for not being accountable for his actions. I resent him for ruining a relationship that could have been perfect.
Im turning 32 this year and I know that if we separate now this may mean I will never have kids of my own… Im not sure I can give up on that. The alternative also sucks…. staying married to have kids, knowing that I wont be able to offer them the life they were intended to have, with a loving united family. I know that separated parents are the norm nowadays but I felt so lucky to have that growing up… and there’s nothing that I value more than history, than staying together through ups and downs of life… I wish this was just a down moment… thats what Ive been telling myself for the past 5 years….’he’s gonna come around’…
There is absolutely nothing that he needs to take care of, the only thing is take the supplements to increase sperm production everyday, take care of himself (brush hair, wear invisalign, apply sunblock, dress decent) and at least every once in a while take care of this relationship, by being romantic, or doing something special… none of those things seem to happen…. I have to do fertility treatments, take several pills, do self massage and heating pads, go tothe doctr several times a month, in addition I pay all the bills, register the cars, set up insurance, walk Zoe daily, bathe her and take her to the vet, do all the shopping, 100% of the cooking, do the taxes, filling of documents, … the list an go on and on… he may actually feel appreciative of all that I do…. I just wish I could feel the same way.