Is Spontaneity My Enemy?
I’ve been doing a lot of self analyzing lately and I’ve realized that I didn’t become the person I wanted to be… the person I dreamed of being… For some reason, as much as I don’t care for the approval of others, when it comes to my parents it’s a huge issue. First of all we have totally opposing opinions on everything, which puts me in a predicament all the time… it’s more of an unconscious thing but I find myself thinking “why didn’t I do that?” and can’t seem to find a reason why… let me explain.
My mom is fearful of everything… she won’t do anything dangerous or risky, ever. Her main hobby is to watch TV and she would be happy to just do that for the rest of her life. So that’s the influence I grew up with. Not that they would force me to watch TV or anything, but I feel that I would always battle between the things I wanted to do and experience vs what would be acceptable to my parents. Sure, I could have said “that’s what I want and that’s what I’m gonna do” — I confess I wish I had — but it just wasn’t in me to be defiant like that.
Last year I finally told my mom I was gonna try to get pregnant and it was weird because I said like “look, I’m just warning you, this year I’m gonna try to have a baby”… and she was like “why do I care? You’re an adult!”. I was in a little bit of shock, that’s not the reaction I was expecting. I expected her to freak out and warn me that I should think about this carefully and make sure I was doing the right thing. What about your job? Maybe you should buy a house first etc… I didn’t realize it then, but I’ve become my mother! I am so uptight… and I don’t like it!
Growing up I wanted to be a biker, I wanted to travel the world, I wanted to be a designer… but I was too afraid of taking risks and ended up going to business school and not traveling much. Thank goodness I married Andy because he pushes me to come out of my shell! I’ll never admit this to him, but I’m so grateful that he tries to make me less uptight and stuck on my plans. I kinda freak out when things don’t go according to my plans and freak out! My battle is to learn how to be spontaneous…and go with the flow. My husband is the most adventurous person I know, he’s not afraid of anything, he doesn’t get worried because of material stuff, and he doesn’t plan. The house could be on fire and he probably would just shrug. I tried pranking him one year that the IRS was garnishing his wages for 9 months, thinking he would freak out.. who wouldn’t? Let’s just say the prank was on me… at the end of the day I was extremely nervous at the fact that he didn’t care.
But back to my title… is spontaneity my enemy?… or is it more the other way around? I need to let go of the past, I need to go into my subconscious and alter my “auto-pilot” behavior, so I can be who I want to be. I want to be daring and courageous, spontaneous and laid back, I want to be happy!
Question: can I be a planner and still be spontaneous? Well, we’ll find out soon enough cuz I sure “iz” gonna try. Here’s the plan:
1) identify part of my life that I can “loosen up”: I can be less of a bitch with Andy and let him be
2) what gives me anxiety? the unknown future… how am I gonna learn to embrace that? Fucking A…
3) accept challenges, say yest to new opportunities… like dirt bike riding!
4) break patterns: identifying this shit was step 1! Now step 2 is to not be bound by it like a fucking slave
5) make new friends and be more friendly! and say yes to more opportunities
6) go crusing! I have a serious issue with this word, it gives me the hives or something.. as soon as someone says “we’re cruising” my buzz is dead and I wanna go home, even if it’s to do nothing… not ok!
7) make last minute plans
8) find the time to travel!
Challenge accepted! Let’s see where this takes me. To be continued…