To The Vagina Terrorists: You Were Wrong… Conception Is Freaking Hard

infertility ivfI was 16 when I had my first “grinding” episode with a boy. We stopped somewhere between 2nd and 3rd base and I went home with my mind spinning,  “Holy shit, ‘Im gonna get pregnant!”

I grew up in a conservative Catholic family and my mom and all my aunts and several of my cousins got married virgins. Why would anybody choose to do that, its beyond me. It’s like they don’t realize its the 21st century.

We were taught that if a boy’s penis got into contact with your lady flower — as they called it — you would get pregnant and your life would be ruined forever. If you so much as fell asleep on a boy’s  bed that had  sperm in it, you’d get knocked up.  The fate of the boy seemed to fluctuate between being free from any responsibility and leaving me to figure this out alone and poor or to end up working at a gas station and figure it out with me and both of us would be poor. The only safe alternative was to not get pregnant in the first place.

I believed the vagina terrorists and I can honestly say that in the 14 years of birth control pill, I never forgot to take it, not even once. And somehow I still managed to freak out several times about being knocked up at the wrong time.

After almost a year and a half of trying to conceive and overdosing on unprotected sex, somehow I’m still unpregnant. I am confident that in all those attempts, my husband’s penis more than touched my lady flower… my lady flower cannibalized it.

To the vagina terrorists, I’d like to clear something out in case you’re still not sure. Conception is fucking hard. Stars pretty much have to align for this shit to happen apparently.

I just wish someone had given me the real story so the choice to wait would have been from my heart and not from fear that my world would fall apart.






About Love,DANI

I have recently developed Obsessive Compulsive Blogging Disorder in order to mask the fact that my ability to procreate might be fully dependent on my bank account balance. Some think I'm bossy others think I'm soft, but the truth is I'm a sugglebunny she-ra wine drinking slave working alpha bitch that just wants to have some goddamn babies. is something I've always wanted to do since I was a kid and decided to write down all the things my mom did wrong but blogs didn't exist. So I take notes of things I want to teach my imaginary kids, good and bad. You'll find that I fluctuate between loving and crazy wannabe mom. I hope my kids will read this someday. This one is for my bitches and I write about whatever I want, whatever thought is on my mind that day. Beware, I freely curse ad I'm a firm believer that swear words are here to emphasize my thoughts.

Posted on April 20, 2014, in infertility and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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