Coming Out of the Infertility Closet

My Infertility ClosetEveryone has secrets, things we find hard to talk about. We all have closets…and they are scary and we hate it. Closets are just a hard conversation. This is a story of how coming out of the infertility closet has set me free.

Some closets might contain lighter secrets than others but make no mistake, all closets are hard to come out of. At first closets feel safe. They provide a world where your insecurities can pass by unscathed and unacknowledged by others. It may feel like keeping your closet door shut you’re safeguarding your heart, but in reality you’re cultivating a time bomb.

For months I endured silent depression and deep sadness, all alone. My husband was is denial that there was any problem at all with us and just kept repeating we should keep trying and one day it would happen naturally. Friends also ask when we were gonna have kids and in response to my answer “we’re trying”, they would almost always say “just relax, it’ll happen”. Everyone facing infertility knows that there is nothing worse to say to someone that is having trouble conceiving a baby.

The thing is, I forced myself to believe my husband and my friends, despite of what my gut told me, and as time passed my closet only got colder and darker. I was obsessing over infertility and treatments; I would google infertility related topics all day and couldn’t do my job. I started binge eating and my anxiety was out of control. I had several breakdowns in the past 3 months and there was nothing I could do and no one I could speak to. I was depressed, sad, and alone.

That tightness in my heart would only grow…and that’s what closets do to you. I was in a closet and I was so alone.

So I made the decision to open up about it. When people asked me, I told them the truth… that we were having trouble conceiving. Although their answers didn’t change (they still tell me to relax to make it happen), I noticed that I started feeling better, feeling happy again, in spite of our infertility battle.

I was opening up but I couldn’t really be honest about it… people that have never gone through this have a hard time empathizing. I was opening up to the wrong people. So I started visiting forums on a daily basis and interacting more and more with people that understand what I’m going through and how hard this is.

I started this blog as a way to get things off my chest, to take the weight off my shoulders, but the way it affected me was something I could have never anticipated.

At first my posts were literally my thoughts rather than my reflection and comments. I was in a depressed mode and my writing was a reflection dance in the rainof it. I noticed that as I connected with other bloggers, as I read other people’s posts, my mind was feeling more at ease. I wasn’t alone anymore.

I forced myself to change my tone, to write from a different perspective… Somehow, the blog changed me. This blog saved me. My days are better, my mood is cheerful, I’m more optimistic, and I’m just happy again, despite my issues. Every morning I look forward to logging in and connecting with others. I look forward to living.

I hope my story inspires you to free yourself from your closets too. Closets are no place to live and going through this alone makes it so much harder to live a good life. I would love to hear from you.

 

Love,

Dani

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About Love,DANI

I have recently developed Obsessive Compulsive Blogging Disorder in order to mask the fact that my ability to procreate might be fully dependent on my bank account balance. Some think I'm bossy others think I'm soft, but the truth is I'm a sugglebunny she-ra wine drinking slave working alpha bitch that just wants to have some goddamn babies. www.LOVEcomaMOM.wordpress.com is something I've always wanted to do since I was a kid and decided to write down all the things my mom did wrong but blogs didn't exist. So I take notes of things I want to teach my imaginary kids, good and bad. You'll find that I fluctuate between loving and crazy wannabe mom. I hope my kids will read this someday. www.LOVEcomaDANI.wordpress.com This one is for my bitches and I write about whatever I want, whatever thought is on my mind that day. Beware, I freely curse ad I'm a firm believer that swear words are here to emphasize my thoughts.

Posted on April 24, 2014, in Feeling empty, fertility, infertility, Life Lesson Series and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. Reblogged this on LOVEcomaMOM and commented:
    I wrote this post on my LOVEcomaDANI blog…. but wanted to share it with you all as well… hopefully it inspires you too.

  2. I have tried four years to not let infertility run my life. Some days I win. Other days I lose. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

    • Hi Carolina! Why do we grow up thinking this would be easy? Its incredibly hard to get pregnant! I read your “about me” and it seems we’ll be going through IVF together!

      • Thanks for checking out my blog. We ultimately decided to give an IUI with meds one more try but that is my next step!

      • I’m doing an unmonitored gonal -f cycle (because my doctor is too conservative with my doses, so I wanna go for more follicles even if it means multiples) and if that fails, we’re doing IVF in June actually… DUH! For a moment there I thought there was another month between April and June… lol

    • Hi Carolina! Why are we taught that pregnancy is an easy thing? Its freaking hard! I hope your learning to cope with this too… I just read your “about me” and it seems we’ll be doing our first rounds of IVF at the same time!

  3. Thanks for sharing your story and for inspiring us to find courage to open our hearts and thoughts to others. One of the reasons I blog too is that it helps me ventilate the pain and sadness, the fears and brokenness, to feel that I’m no longer a alone. It’s amazing how people respond with generous kindness, support and acceptance. Wishing you and your family all the best of blessings.

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