Coming Out of the Infertility Closet
Everyone has secrets, things we find hard to talk about. We all have closets…and they are scary and we hate it. Closets are just a hard conversation. This is a story of how coming out of the infertility closet has set me free.
Some closets might contain lighter secrets than others but make no mistake, all closets are hard to come out of. At first closets feel safe. They provide a world where your insecurities can pass by unscathed and unacknowledged by others. It may feel like keeping your closet door shut you’re safeguarding your heart, but in reality you’re cultivating a time bomb.
For months I endured silent depression and deep sadness, all alone. My husband was is denial that there was any problem at all with us and just kept repeating we should keep trying and one day it would happen naturally. Friends also ask when we were gonna have kids and in response to my answer “we’re trying”, they would almost always say “just relax, it’ll happen”. Everyone facing infertility knows that there is nothing worse to say to someone that is having trouble conceiving a baby.
The thing is, I forced myself to believe my husband and my friends, despite of what my gut told me, and as time passed my closet only got colder and darker. I was obsessing over infertility and treatments; I would google infertility related topics all day and couldn’t do my job. I started binge eating and my anxiety was out of control. I had several breakdowns in the past 3 months and there was nothing I could do and no one I could speak to. I was depressed, sad, and alone.
That tightness in my heart would only grow…and that’s what closets do to you. I was in a closet and I was so alone.
So I made the decision to open up about it. When people asked me, I told them the truth… that we were having trouble conceiving. Although their answers didn’t change (they still tell me to relax to make it happen), I noticed that I started feeling better, feeling happy again, in spite of our infertility battle.
I was opening up but I couldn’t really be honest about it… people that have never gone through this have a hard time empathizing. I was opening up to the wrong people. So I started visiting forums on a daily basis and interacting more and more with people that understand what I’m going through and how hard this is.
I started this blog as a way to get things off my chest, to take the weight off my shoulders, but the way it affected me was something I could have never anticipated.
At first my posts were literally my thoughts rather than my reflection and comments. I was in a depressed mode and my writing was a reflection of it. I noticed that as I connected with other bloggers, as I read other people’s posts, my mind was feeling more at ease. I wasn’t alone anymore.
I forced myself to change my tone, to write from a different perspective… Somehow, the blog changed me. This blog saved me. My days are better, my mood is cheerful, I’m more optimistic, and I’m just happy again, despite my issues. Every morning I look forward to logging in and connecting with others. I look forward to living.
I hope my story inspires you to free yourself from your closets too. Closets are no place to live and going through this alone makes it so much harder to live a good life. I would love to hear from you.