How to Ship a Baby in 10 Easy Steps
All wanna be mamas have been part of a conversation where an actual mama says “you can take my kids any time” or “honey, you’re lucky you don’t have any kids yet”. Although we all wanna curse them (and we do in our heads), here’s an alternative response.
Talking to my good friend Marlo earlier today about my infertility issues, infinite doctor visits and endless emotional roller-coaster she told me the classic “you can take my kids anytime”. Although I know she didn’t mean it, secretly I hope she did because I love her 2 munchkins to death. They’re both my godkids and I’m super stoked to “bench mom”/”back-up mom”/”plan B mom” whatever you wanna call it. So I sent her the instructions hoping she will go through with it.
In case you were looking for ideas on how to ship a baby, please carefully read the instructions below and don’t skip any steps as they are all equally important.
How to ship a baby in 10 easy steps:
1) Choose which one of your babies/kids you would like to get rid of.
2) Have a prep talk with the kid and tell him he’s gonna get a brand new (and motherfucking awesome) mama
3) Find a large enough box so that in case of tantrums the box won’t fall apart
4) Make holes on the box for air circulation
5) Draw his favorite cartoon character inside the box for entertainment. Do not forget the crayons in there as that could be a deal breaker for us.
6) Add: binkie, water bottle laced with tylenol PM and a few goldfish packets. Absolutely no sugar!
7) Add the kids favorite toy and blanket for comfort. You may add a picture of you if you want
8) Add a sticker “This Side Up” and/or “Do Not Turn Upside Down” for safety
9) Look for best rates on UPS and Fedex and once you pick your service…
10) … send it next day delivery priority mail, signature required
11) for bonus point add baby manual
* No refunds are to be issued. You can make another baby if needed.
** make sure the baby is vaccinated and contains no dirt from the mainland as the agricultural inspection here in Hawaii can be a pain in the ass
If you’re up to it send me a private message and I’ll send you my home address. Don’t worry, I will cover the shipping charges and college education.