Manual to Surviving Mother’s Day & Why I Will Never Eat Kale Chips

surviving mother's day1)      Buy plenty of booze.

2)      Drink it. The end.

Mother’s day is nothing more than a made up holiday created by people who work at greeting card companies and whose parents weren’t murdered. Try not to sweat it too much.

You might not be able to get by unscathed because everyone has/had a mother and you will have to acknowledge that it is her day… But, Mother’s day happens every year and eventually we’ll all get to celebrate it. Personally, when I’m finally in the club all I’m gonna ask for is that the kids wipe their own asses but I know I might be setting myself up for disappointment, so I might settle for popcorn and a margarita.

The trick is to stay away from all Mother’s day community events, functions, activities, celebrations, restaurants with special discounts, churches, carnivals, malls, city and state parks, fundraisers, birthday parties, nail salons, book club meetings, and the Ice Palace.

Do your best to not think about it. Try to do things that you wouldn’t be able to do if you did in fact have kids. Here are some ideas:

1)      Sleep until 10am.

2)      Light up candles and take a looooong bubble bath.

3)      If you’re into it, smoke some pot but don’t do any real drugs for obvious reasons.

4)      Eat a dessert all by yourself.

5)      Read a book.

6)      Rent horror movies.

7)      Put your best outfit on and go to a bar with your non-mom girlfriends and continue the drinking festivities.

8)      And my favorite, have sex on the couch… thrice.

Bottom line, it is what it is and we shouldn’t make this a day a reason to be moping around… we all know we have plenty of those Debbie Downer moments already.

What does this manual have to do with kale chips? Nothing. But on a side note, I’d like to confirm, in case you haven’t yet noticed, karma is in fact a bitch! And here comes the kale.

Yesterday at the gym, I found a bag with some kale chips and a card in it. I had never tried kale chips before and always wanted to but Whole Foods is super far from where I live so I convinced myself that it was OK for me to keep it. I kept telling myself that they were just chips and the person wouldn’t even care and probably wouldn’t return for it anyways, plus God knows how long the bag had been sitting there in the locker blah blah blah.

So I took it to work and when I opened the bag I found a greeting card inside. I got curiouser and curiouser so I opened the card… do you feel the vibe? It was a happy mother’s day motherfucking card. I couldn’t even bring myself to finish the first paragraph. I closed it and put it in the fridge.

I felt terrible that I might just have ruined somebody’s Mother’s Day gift and there’s no coming back from it. I didn’t realize that kale chips could do so much damage. I don’t think I’ll be eating kale chips in the near future or ever.

I’d like to finish this post by wish my mom, grandma and to all the hookers in the world a happy Mother’s Day and to all of us wannabes, I wish us plenty of sex, booze, and that the next Mother’s day we get to celebrate it like we deserve.




About Love,DANI

I have recently developed Obsessive Compulsive Blogging Disorder in order to mask the fact that my ability to procreate might be fully dependent on my bank account balance. Some think I'm bossy others think I'm soft, but the truth is I'm a sugglebunny she-ra wine drinking slave working alpha bitch that just wants to have some goddamn babies. is something I've always wanted to do since I was a kid and decided to write down all the things my mom did wrong but blogs didn't exist. So I take notes of things I want to teach my imaginary kids, good and bad. You'll find that I fluctuate between loving and crazy wannabe mom. I hope my kids will read this someday. This one is for my bitches and I write about whatever I want, whatever thought is on my mind that day. Beware, I freely curse ad I'm a firm believer that swear words are here to emphasize my thoughts.

Posted on May 10, 2014, in fertility, Humor, infertility, lets talk honestly, Sharing my wisdom and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Lol!! My husband & I are going to go out on the river in a canoe we borrowed from a friend tomorrow…..and drink some beers. He’ll fish, and I’ll read a book. Looking forward to spending my mothers say away from everyone. Lol about your kale chips, that sucks. Making them at home is super easy though, you should try that next time.

  2. Well, I know it’s a day early but I slept til 10am and managed to squeeze in one romp on the couch 🙂 (no joke). I’ll work on the rest of the list tomorrow.

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