Life Can Be So Cruel…

life is cruelLife can be so cruel sometimes… It really feels like it’s just pranking me left and right, then laughing behind my back. Bitch!

Ever since husband and I started trying to conceive I have dreamed of having twins. Of course I would be happy with 1 healthy baby, but twins would just take happiness to a whole new level for me. I have been doing everything in my power to make that happen… of course we’re not doing fertility treatments and IUIs to increase our chances of having twins, but I choose to see the higher chances of multiples as a positive side of what we’re going through in order to get pregnant with any number of babies. In addition to the fertility treatments, I have been taking all kinds of supplements that are supposed to help like bee pollen and extra folic acid, along with a lot of daydreaming about having more than than one baby form in my belly. You think so you become, right? NOT!

A few weeks ago I got news that my super awesome BFF, my SABFF, got pregnant right after she changed her mind about getting pregnant in the first place…I wrote about how it made me feel on the blog just to get things off my chest without making her feel bad about it… Today more news…. she’s having twins. She didn’t even want to get pregnant in the first place! And here I am trying so hard, wanting it so much, just to see other people easily get what I struggle for and only get to dream of.

Although I’m very happy for her, it makes me so sad… it’s not the first time that I see life just “give” my plans away to people around me. And it seems to happen exactly how I picture it… as soon as I dream it, someone around me seems to just get it. I’m either tainted or cursed. If you want something, you know where to go to get it now… all you need to do is convince me to want it for myself and BOOM! It’s handed to you! I should make a T-shirt that says that…

To make things worse, I’m fairly confident that this month will be a BFN.. again.. It’s just a gut feeling, I guess I could be wrong since it’s only been 1 week since our IUI. I am having boob pain but I had that last month too and it was a BFN. I think the boob pain comes from the Gonal-F because I didn’t feel any of this when I was on Clomid or Femara. The one different thing that happened this month is that my temperature didn’t rise after the trigger shot/ovulation, which is really weird and is not a good sign at all. The doctor used her own trigger shot and I don’t know what it was, but I know it wasn’t Ovidrel because the volume on the syringe was way higher than what Ovidrel is supposed to be.

I track my temperature every day and Fertility Friend hasn’t even acknowledged my ovulation yet because my temps haven’t changed. So strange. All I can think of is that the trigger shot didn’t work and I didn’t ovulate when I should have…

I’m gonna try to go about my day, but I can’t see these thoughts leaving my mind any time soon… I hope your week is starting better than mine.

LOVE, Dani




About Love,DANI

I have recently developed Obsessive Compulsive Blogging Disorder in order to mask the fact that my ability to procreate might be fully dependent on my bank account balance. Some think I'm bossy others think I'm soft, but the truth is I'm a sugglebunny she-ra wine drinking slave working alpha bitch that just wants to have some goddamn babies. is something I've always wanted to do since I was a kid and decided to write down all the things my mom did wrong but blogs didn't exist. So I take notes of things I want to teach my imaginary kids, good and bad. You'll find that I fluctuate between loving and crazy wannabe mom. I hope my kids will read this someday. This one is for my bitches and I write about whatever I want, whatever thought is on my mind that day. Beware, I freely curse ad I'm a firm believer that swear words are here to emphasize my thoughts.

Posted on May 19, 2014, in Feeling empty, fertility, Gonal-F, infertility, lets talk honestly, Vlog and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. I feel you on the ”giving your plans away” concept. Life can be tough.

  2. I relate to how you feel. I can be happy for others but I keep wondering why not me?

  3. Hugs! I know how it feels to try to be happy for others, but inside you’re thinking this totally blows ass.

  4. I totally relate to everything that you are feeling.. I am also Brazilian, living abroad, trying to conceive for 4 years and my BFF is having a baby girl..She keeps saying that she will save the clothes and everything for me since the first pregnancy (she has 2 boys already) now I few so sad that I cannot go to her house anymore..We work together and I am really happy for her but sad for me…

    • Im so sorry Elis 😦 Im so afraid that this is what’s going to happen to me… I already avoid a lot of my friends and family even because I can’t be around their kids without feeling sad for myself… I hope things work out for you guys. Aloha, Dani

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