The Silver Lining Weekend

I had the perfect weekend planned out! On Saturday we were doing a hike, on Sunday we got hooked up with discounted tickets for the water park on a private event and on Memorial Day my sister had planned a beach day with all our friends to celebrate her birthday. It was going to be fun and sunny like it hasn’t in a while. Why can’t things go as planned for once? Just once!

Saturday morning rolls in, the hike got canceled because the 2 friends that were coming with me couldn’t go anymore, but it worked out alright cuz my dad and sister had a huge argument and I ended up having to fill in on the food truck. Little background history, my husband and I built a food truck for my parents to work at when they moved here to Hawaii and my sister pretty much became the manager because husband and I work full time. My mom had another job on Saturday, so when my sister and dad had their “thang”, I was called in because 1 person can’t handle everything. But whatever, nothing was gonna bring me down! Some dude stopped by selling fresh caught Ahi (yellowfin tuna) and I was super stoked, so I made the best of it and went home with a smile on my face.

Moving on. Lets go to the water park! Yaaaaay! I did had a lot of fun, Im not gonna deny it, but I cant say the the Gods were cheering for me. After about an hour after that we got there, it started raining super hard… the thunder and lightning was kinda scary. I love thunder and lightning and I open all my windows at my house when they’re going at it just so I can appreciate it… but when it happens at a water park, trust me, its scary. We found temporary shelter and waited it out for about an hour. Once again, I chose to focus on the silver lining, the rain made a lot of people go home early, leaving the rides that were open just to ourselves! It was a little cold, but who cares, let’s focus on the fun.

Memorial day rolls in. I prepared a great giant bubble batch, I think my best one yet, all out friends were coming to the beach. It was also my 14dpiui day… and although I was over testing for all days prior to this, I caved and tested… it was negative as I expected. But honestly, I wasn’t too sad because I already knew it was gonna be negative. The sperm count was only 5MIL, my temperature didn’t go up until 3 days later and then I finally realized that I only ovulated 2dpiui… plus I had no symptoms. Do it was no surprise that it was negative.

The beach was beautiful, food was delicious, bubbles were huuuuge. Why couldn’t at least this last day finish up unscathed? It all started going South when my brand new iPhone 5 drowned and passed away… for good. I only had this phone for 2 months and I was using a waterproof (Incipio) case that I had tested 3 times and had taken to the water park the day before, so I knew it was fine. There is a dark force working against me… I just don’t know what t is… or why. But I still managed to stay happy and move on with my day. I still managed to stay happy and started packing for the beach.

The friend that I wrote about a few  posts ago that is 37 and got pregnant when she didn’t even want to (anymore), and then found out she was having twins (which is all I’ve talked about for 1 1/2 years) was there too. She’s good friends with both my sister and I. Everything was still going OK, both husband and I were having a good time and so was everybody else. But when other guests started showing up later, all that anyone wanted to talk about was the fact that she was having twins… it just wouldn’t stop. Every time I heard the topic I would change groups but it was like I couldn’t move fast enough. My friend’s mom finally said in front of everyone that I was the last one and now that my parents moved out (another post, but yeah, they finally moved out yesterday), we needed to make some babies. What am I supposed to say? I know she didn’t mean any harm, but that felt like a knife going through my heart.

I tried to stay there, strong, but my heart just wanted to cry… so before I broke down in front of everyone I took a walk with my dog down the beach to clear out my head… husband noticed it and followed. We talked, I cried, IO cried a lot, we waited some time and I decided that I had to go home because if not I was gonna break down in front of everyone and I cant handle all the questions, pity and advice from people that have no clue what this is or how I feel. When we get back and I start putting my stuff together so we can go home my friends’ 4 year old girls came to talk to me. One asks if the other girl she had gone to a sleepover at my house… and the girl says “no, she (I) doesn’t have kids”. Seriously?? What’s going on? What’s up with the torture?

I went in the water to wash up my face and like I hadn’t had enough shit, my brand new  iPhone got soaked, even though it was fully protected by the life proof case that I had tested 3 times and used all day at the water park the day before. That’s it, I had enough. You would think right? Well, husband and I ended up getting into an argument so I just isolated myself and went to edit this video hoping to clear my mind and laugh a little. He came to soothe me, but I was already feeling so beat down. Right now it’s Tuesday morning and my face is still swollen from all the crying from last night…

I’m still trying to focus on the silver lining… the IVF that’s about to start… our best chances at having children. Please pray for me and pray that I get 2 sticky beans! I know that I don’t really know you all, but I love you guys! It helps so much to come here and get all this out of my chest. Thank you for being here!

LOVE,

Dani

 

 

 

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About Love,DANI

I have recently developed Obsessive Compulsive Blogging Disorder in order to mask the fact that my ability to procreate might be fully dependent on my bank account balance. Some think I'm bossy others think I'm soft, but the truth is I'm a sugglebunny she-ra wine drinking slave working alpha bitch that just wants to have some goddamn babies. www.LOVEcomaMOM.wordpress.com is something I've always wanted to do since I was a kid and decided to write down all the things my mom did wrong but blogs didn't exist. So I take notes of things I want to teach my imaginary kids, good and bad. You'll find that I fluctuate between loving and crazy wannabe mom. I hope my kids will read this someday. www.LOVEcomaDANI.wordpress.com This one is for my bitches and I write about whatever I want, whatever thought is on my mind that day. Beware, I freely curse ad I'm a firm believer that swear words are here to emphasize my thoughts.

Posted on May 27, 2014, in Feeling empty, infertility, iui, Vlog and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. I’m sorry all that happened but you are amazing trying to stay positive. Most people would’ve given in to the negative Nancy’s! I wish we were all normal folk and could get pregnant accidentally like teenagers! Having y’all’s blogs to read/watch is a huge help to my sanity so THANK YOU for being here! 🙂

    • Thanks Vanna! I appreciate that and right back at you! If someone had suggested I do this because it would help and I would not have believed them.. but it’s incredible how comforting it is. Thank you for your kind words and thank you for visiting :0 xox

  2. I know it’s tough and it can be aggravating when people constantly tell you to remain positive and hopeful, but I think you’re awesome and have such a great outlook on not only this issue, but life in general. I LOVE reading your blog- you have helped me during my darker moments! 🙂 Sending great vibes that IVF will be it and that you’ll have two bundles of joy in your arms within a year. I actually wrote a post over the weekend about dealing with pregnancy jealousy and the BFN…I’ll have to look it over and post it this week. Been slacking, but I needed a break from social media.

    • Hi Kim, thank you so much and thanks for being here. I love reading your blog too and to read your posts and see how you dealt with everything after your M/C is really inspiring. Just came back from IVF appointment actually.. Dr says that IUI and IVF would be good options.. the count isn’t very high for IUI but still in the possible range… Husband wants to do IUI… I’m set on IVF… can’t do this anymore.. xox

  3. The emotional roller coaster can be quite the ride. Sorry for this negative cycle. I hope IVF is truly your ticket to becoming a mother. Are you starting your IVF next cycle?

    • we had our IVF consultation today. The doctor says that we can go either way, IUI or IVF… Im dead set on IVF, but husband and doctor would like to go with IUI at least once more… I can’t handle another failed cycle though… I really hope IVF is what we need too… I should get my period in a few days, I can feel it coming…

  1. Pingback: Silver Lining Weekend – Hawaii + beach + bubbles – VLOGGING from Hawaii | Page Pregnancy

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