My IVF Journey & A Case Of The Butterflies
I’ve read so many posts about how emotionally difficult the IVF process is and the strain it puts on relationships. A therapist told us that many couples seek therapy while going through the process and that many of them choose to never do it again, moving on to adoption instead, all due to the high level of stress.
For me, IVF was a scary decision because it was the last door we could open.
We always felt 100% sure that we would get pregnant right away when we decided to try. Which in our minds, justified the wait of several years until we were ready. Once we started we felt that every month was it, this was our month, we were making a baby together… and because we chose to and not because it was an accident.
As the months passed with no positive tests (not even OPKs), my hope started to slip away… I became sad, tense, and afraid that we were never going to have children of our own. The uncertainty is the worst.
Adoption has always been something that we wanted to do together, we just never thought it would be our only option. There’s something magical about making a child out of pure love with your spouse that I really didn’t want to miss out on.
Up until the point that we decided to move forward with IVF, I was one of those super-stressed-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat type of mama wannabe and I released a lot of it on my husband. Not because I thought it was his fault, but because I had to release the pressure somewhere… he was just closer than anyone else. I was emotionally drained from all the doctor visits, tired of the constant wait for the day I could pee on a stick, and hopeless after so many BFNs.
Looking back to May, right before we (more like I) decided to move on with IVF, our relationship was doing just OK, it wasn’t falling apart by any means but it wasn’t great either. We were stressed, hopeless and we were definitely on two different plains. Husband was on la-la land and wanted to continue trying naturally indefinitely and I was a time bomb.
Everything revolved around getting pregnant and intimacy became a schedule of the fertile times to have sex. My endless emotional roller-coaster also played a big part but seriously, can anyone lead an emotionally balanced life when they’re overdosing on hormones, getting fat, constantly feeling disappointed, and not seeing eye to eye with your husband? Let’s just say that crying and pulling away was a part of our routine and (real) happy moments were few and far in between. I didn’t have the desire to get out much. I didn’t want to risk seeing pregnant people, talking to pregnant people, seeing other people’s babies, answering questions about when we would be having kids because “it’s about time” among other baby related unplesantries (yes, I made that word up). Sad times.
We went together to our first IVF appointment, and I cried a lot at his office. But after the IVF plan was set in motion, something happened. Something switched in my mind. All the weight was lifted from my shoulders. I was filled with hope and renewed in our quest to build a family. I was no longer tired or disappointed. I felt secure, loved, and certain we were doing the right thing. I felt like I had a date with my pregnancy and that the waiting days were about to end and we were finally going to have our baby(ies).
My husband definitely contributed to that a lot. He was super loving, supportive and understanding when I said I couldn’t take it anymore. He’s been by my side and helped me cope with all the struggles we have faced during this time.
From that moment on, I chose to focus on my health and happiness. Instead of counting seconds like I had been all these months, we decided to enjoy every second together because our childless days were about to be over, we just knew it in our hearts this is going to work. We took all the time we had available to do as many fun things as we could, together and with friends. We went to the beach, went on motorcycle rides, got drunk together, had sooo many amazing date nights. We walked on the beach, we looked at stars while sipping on wine, we made plans and talked baby names. We made an offer on a house (still waiting for answer) and made plans on remodeling the place like we’ve always dreamed of. I am so grateful for the time that my husband and I spent together in preparation for the transfer. We are closer than we’ve ever been.
You know that feeling you get when you first kiss someone? The butterflies in your stomach when he looks at you a certain way? That’s what I feel like!
I’m starting to think that this was all meant to be, to bring us closer, to strengthen our bond even more. I feel like our (to be) family will be so amazing because of the love we share for one another. Our love just transpires and our children will feel it too.
I realize that a week from now I might find out that this was all for nothing and we’re still not pregnant but I’m so grateful for what IVF has already done for our life. I’m gonna have to send the doctor that invented it a really nice gift!
We have shared so many special moments in these last 3 months and we haven’t been this close or in love since… I don’t know since when… We’re like boyfriend and girlfriend again… it doesn’t even seem like it’s been 10 years since that first kiss… My butterflies are back… I love butterflies and I’m never letting them leave.
If you’re going through IVF, hope my story inspires you to be in love again, to work on your relationship, and to let go of all anxiety that has brought you to this point in your life. It’s your choice how you live your life and you should always choose happiness regardless of the circumstances.
With all my love,
PS: Our FET is on tomorrow 8/29/14, please pray for us 🙂
Posted on August 28, 2014, in Cycle Update, fertility, infertility, lets talk honestly, Life Lesson Series, LOVE, Sharing my wisdom and tagged conceive baby, family, fet, icsi, in vitro, infertility, IVF, RELATIONSHIP, transfer. Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.