Uncomplicating my Complicated Life
Life is complicated but life is good. With the whole housing issue and my parents situation (with housing and the food truck and all the stresses that it brings to my life and my marriage), early pregnancy was stressful, but I somehow, was able to find peace and changed something that was fundamental for me and maybe the biggest lesson of my life, up until now at least. I no longer make plans.
Those that know me, know that I’m a big planner. I make to do lists for everything and detail every step of what has to happen in order for my plan to work out. It’s been kind of a comforting thing to me. I really dislike uncertainty. I’m the kind of person that will read the ending of a book before even starting it. I like to know how things will play out and I take whatever steps needed to always have that predetermined path ahead of me. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that I hate surprises.
For the last 2 years I’ve been trying to hard to make things happen for us. The 2 main issues have been buying a house and having a baby. With both I tried to plan and have step by step plans on what had to happen in order for us to achieve the goal. Granted with the baby thing it has always been out of our hands, I just didn’t know it at the time. What I mean is that even if I had just “gone with the flow” about making a baby, more than likely the outcome would have been the same. With the house though, the most incredible things happened… things that don’t happen to people in general. For example:
- Important parties going on vacation at the worst timer possible (like my loan officer and the lender underwriter) and delaying the escrow process for almost a month, which led to:
- Husband getting laid off on the day we were submitting the final loan approval (after having the manager guarantee that no one was getting laid off for many months to come)
- Loan officer #2 giving us bad advice about changing jobs and causing the loan to be declined at the last minute.
- Loan officer #3 sharing our pre-qualification amount with the seller’s real estate agent and causing us to be rejected (seriously, this doesn’t happen to people!)
- Lender using current income (instead of last 2 year average like they do with every construction worker applicant) to qualify us for the loan and consequently disqualifying us from the USDA program by a mere $800 on our yearly income (we absolutely needed USDA since we don’t have a down payment). So Andy had to “get sick” for a couple weeks in order to bring our yearly income down
- Us making a highest than asking price offer, within the hours of the house being listed and still getting declined. Among other things.
Things just kept on happening totally out of the blue and always messing up our plans and final goal. It just felt like regardless of my best efforts life was playing a joke on me… or trying to teach me a lesson. 2 years later, we still don’t own a house and have been in escrow for almost 6 months now.
The initial months of being pregnant were in a very difficult setting. 1) In order for us to buy a house we had to close it before I was on leave as we would no longer qualify with just 1 income. So time was of the essence and it was going by quickly. 2) I had to stay in bed rest for 3 weeks due to bleeding and cramping. 3) my parents moved to Hawaii to be close to us and were having a hard time with the food truck and finding housing, which meant they were living with us. Since neither they nor my husband were happy with the truck situation, both parties would complain to me about each other, putting me in a very difficult position. All I wanted was to tune off. 4) My parents don’t like living in Hawaii and I fe4el terrible about it because they aren’t able to move back due to financial reasons. It’s very hard seeing them going through this and not being able to help 5) Work was very stressful. After announcing I was pregnant, my boss put me on a performance program. She pretty much wanted to fire me and was looking for a reason to do so.
All that would make me very tense and snappy, which obviously affected people around me and my relationships, not to mention my happiness level. Enjoying my pregnancy was hard because I couldn’t stop and just feel joy, I was tense all the time. So eventually I gave up and surrendered. I decided that I don’t give a fuck about the house anymore and that my parents are grownups and I can’t be responsible for them. I decided that I had to work on my relationship with Andy and show him I love him instead of only bringing up the things I need him to work on. I decided to take time every day to just enjoy being pregnant. I decided to not make plans and go with the flow for once in my life.
All of a sudden, and to my huge surprise, things started to actually flow. The best part of all is to see Andy taking charge of things and making it happen for us. This is something I’ve asked of him for years but we live (lived) on totally different speeds. Im (was) very high strung and high paced, didnt do anything slowly. I walk fast, cook fast, talk fast and solve everything fast. I never leave things for tomorrow. It’s not like I’m a total opposite now, but Im dealing a lot better with the fact that I can’t (and shouldn’t) be like that every time because it’s stressful. Because I was like this, he took the back seat on a lot of things and just cruised.
It’s not like buying a home isn’t important to me anymore. It is. I know that if we don’t close on a house before the baby is here it may mean that we won’t be able to own a home until I’m back to work, which can take a long time. But it just feels like making a family with Andy is so much more important than that. And that’s what Ai chose to focus on. We’ve waited long enough to get started on our family, we’ve been together over 10 years and there was always something in my plans to cause a delay. We were too young and should probably travel, then there was 5 years of school, then there was getting work experience, than there was a crisis, then there was the lack of money etc. I have finally learned that I can’t get stuck on these boundaries set by society. I need to take risks and follow my heart right now. If I follow my heart things will always workout. That doesn’t mean that the best plan will just make itself happen, it means that I’ll have no regrets because my heart is happy with my decisions. And that’s all I want for myself, my husband and my family.
I’m glad to be in peace finally.