Category Archives: Note to self
If you have a newborn at home you need to read this. I found this text in Portuguese and translated it to English so I could share it with you guys. It made me really emotional to think about this experience from the baby’s perspective. Every night when he cries and wakes up I feel fortunate that I’m the one that gets to be with him.
Tonight I woke up in a weird silence. There was no noise and I thought the world had ended and you had forgotten me. I started screaming and you appeared. Thank God. I was so happy in the heat of your chest that I ended up falling asleep before eating all I needed. When I realized you were going to put me down in my crib, I cried again. But don’t deny it, you were in a hurry to go back to sleep.
You nursed me again, a little in a hurry, and then decided to change my diaper. It was quiet, silent, the two of us so close together, so nice that I got a second wind. You were very understanding, but started to yawn a little and decided to make me go to sleep. I didn’t want to, I wasn’t ready to go to sleep. Maybe I just need another ten minutes or half an hour, but you were so determined to go back to bed. You were getting pretty nervous and even called Dad. I did not want Dad and we were all getting very angry.
In the end, I woke up the whole house five times. In the morning, our family looked like we partied all night. I think I blew it. You went on to say to Daddy that I have a sleep problem. I don’t! You’re the one coming to nurse me in a hurry and then I feel that you don’t want to be with me anymore.
Adults schedule a time for everything, but I don’t yet understand these things and these tasks you need to do. When my body is with you, I want to be with you forever and never separate. From my three months of age, I haven’t yet understood that we are two separate people, two separate bodies. One day I’ll go out, I’ll call and I ‘ll drive you crazy for not knowing what I’m doing… and then you’ll understand how I feel now. But we don’t need this war, Mom. Until then, we can work on understanding each other.
I feel the anguish of separation, because I just went through this new experience of being born. You did too, but you’re living through this as a conscious adult. I’m still living in the unconscious. Everything is still so new for me out here. But I’m absolutely sure that I will learn every little thing you teach me through your feelings for me.
Mom, can I give you some baby advice? When I cry at night, don’t just rush to my room desperately, as if the world was ending. Just wait a minute or two, take a deep breath, listen to my cry until it reaches your heart. Feel it, really wake up and then come get me. Hold me slowly, do not turn on the lights, speak softly, give me your breast and nurse me. After I burp, just a little more patience because we babies, we are sensitive to the feelings of adults. If I feel that you are in a hurry, I can throw the biggest fit, but if you wait until my second sigh, when my eyes are shut tight, my hands and legs all soft, well, then yes you can put me in the cradle and I wont wake up before I feel hungry again. As you develop your patience, Mom, I’ll be developing my tranquility and we will wont have any more unpleasant nights. Just mom and baby nights, that one day, like everything in life, will pass.
Life is complicated but life is good. With the whole housing issue and my parents situation (with housing and the food truck and all the stresses that it brings to my life and my marriage), early pregnancy was stressful, but I somehow, was able to find peace and changed something that was fundamental for me and maybe the biggest lesson of my life, up until now at least. I no longer make plans. Read the rest of this entry
Even before my infertility troubles, adoption has always been one of my “must do life events”. I’ve always wanted to adopt but like everyone that wants to adopt, I dreamed of adopting a small baby that I would nurture and love until they became a beautiful adult… things have changed a little bit in that department.
No one likes being a drag in somebody else’s life, especially loved ones. I take this concept to a whole new level. I have the mindset of a martyr, seriously. Although I’m as far from being a hero as possible, I somehow manage to try my best and still fuck up.
Ok, Im plagiarizing this list from paidtoexist.com… but I can’t afford to forget these… here is the list:
1.Often those who aren’t the easiest to love are the ones who need it the most.
2.Seeing children play can make even the bluest day brighter.
3.Money is not the root of all evil, fear is.
4.The secret to happiness is the acceptance of yourself.
5.Happiness is not based on external status, it is an internal state.